Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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