I need to stop coming to work sober
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize