take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
i think i just lost a toe
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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