I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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