Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
