i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
