guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
God, I missed his penis.
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