I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
