I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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