seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
