I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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