Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
