a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
