Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
