Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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