I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
