I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
a search helicopter?!
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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