I wish I could teleport
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Randomize
