I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Fuck appropriateness.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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