i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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