im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
