In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
