Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Randomize
