Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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