Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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