I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
