Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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