how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
