I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize