i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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