Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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