I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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