The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
