i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
