i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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