Define "chronic" masturbator.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I AM VODKA MAN
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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