finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
