After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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