Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
