tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize