Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
