I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
