Girls should come with a carfax report
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize