It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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