In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
