Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
