life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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