I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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