Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
