I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
