Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
