I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
