im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
