This dress was meant to end up on your floor
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
