I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
he told me I talked like a deaf person
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
