history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
