he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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