My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
