I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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