I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
