hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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