I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
